It’s the time of the year when my failure to become my generation's Martha Stewart hits hardest. I look around the house and see empty shipping boxes and cat toys littering the floor, and piles of mail and books on the living room and dining room tables. Instead of making myself feel better by picking up, I decide to try some new holiday recipes from Pinterest!
Yesterday’s failure of white chocolate candies did not help me learn any lessons. But, for your viewing pleasure, observe:
Pinterest candy (no photographer credited, which now makes me think this is an Urban Kitchen Myth photo):
My candy shot:
Today’s experiment of “homemade turtle” candies came out much better, but with some caveats.
1. Do not bake unless you’ve had a hearty breakfast!
a. Three mini-muffins from Wal-Mart is not a hearty breakfast;
b. A scoop of homemade Bolognese sauce helps, but not much.
2. Get out a baking sheet and heat the oven to 200-degrees Fahrenheit.
a. Oh, right. The oven light is out.
b. Have husband order an oven light.
c. Forget to actually turn on the oven.
3. Put parchment paper on the baking sheet.
a. The parchment paper is about 15 years old.
b. This is also when I thought I could make a living being Martha Stewart.
4. Unwrap 100 caramel candies.
a. I have no patience for this.
b. Who the hell wraps these candies anyway?
i. Why don’t they just put them, unwrapped, in a bag for bakers?
ii. I hate milk chocolate
5. Place 100 pretzels on the parchment covered baking sheet.
a. It’s okay if I eat a few pretzels.
i. Especially the broken ones.
ii. Especially if I drop them on the floor.
6. Give up counting because counting is boring and I don’t really have time for this shit since I just unwrapped 100 candies.
7. Put the candies on top of the pretzels.
a. Oh, shit! I still forgot to turn on the oven.
b. Also, good luck because 100 pretzel candies doesn't leave any room to grip the sheet
with my thumb and now I've lost a few more candies and pretzels to the floor.
8. Bake for a few minutes until the candies become melt-y.
9. Take the pan out, careful not to lose anymore pretzels/candies.
10. Line up 100 pecan halves.
a. Notice they look like roaches
b. Remember that apartment in Albany where roaches lived in the silverware drawer.
11. Place the pecan halves on top of the melty candy.
12. Look at those chocolatey roaches.
13. Be sad this is how I spent my morning.